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We Thought You’d Be Here By Now

Some things about this pregnancy business haven’t surprised me, like the fact that I have been able to successfully learn to fall asleep on my side. (I figured it would come eventually!)

Some things have surprised me, like the fact that getting dressed requires intentional focus, otherwise there would be serious tipping over.

One thing that has also surprised me is that the pain of the last five years of infertility hasn’t gone away. I had expected it would, having finally attained that which we so desperately sought. But I guess that when you have that many days and nights of pure struggle, it makes enough of an inroad in your heart that won’t disappear just like that. I still get emotional about it at times. Like I did today when I listened to Wes King’s “Thought You’d Be Here” for the first time in a very, very long time.

But if you like dancing
I’ll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs. It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

As you can imagine, a song that hit this close to home – especially a couple years ago – was intensely beautiful to experience, but far too painful to make a regular on the playlist. And even today, as I listened to it knowing what we will have in approximately a month and a half, I still cried.

Maybe that’s the point. To lose all emotional memory of this would be nice sometimes, but I don’t think it would do anyone any good. I need it to remember how amazing God is, how much He loves us, and how prayer can do things you can’t even explain. And maybe, when our little girl is older and I tell her about it, it will be one of the stories she can hold onto as a testimony of God’s work in her life before she was even known to us.

And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

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