Posted by Rachel on Jul 24, 2010 in
God It’s been six months since our miscarriage, and without question, it’s been some of the toughest, confusing, frustrating, painful six months of my life. I’ve never felt more emotionally raw and unstable. I beat myself up for being weepy, for not being in control of my emotions. Every day, my mood is different.
Come to find out, this is all very normal.
A couple days ago, I think I made some progress in at least figuring out how to classify my feelings, and how to treat them. I think I need to look at this event, this time in my life, the same way I see the sexual harassment I went through in Bangladesh. I will always have those scars; they are a part of me. I don’t let that rule my life; and I’ve gotten enough distance (and counselling) that what happened doesn’t control me. But those scars will always be there.
I just need to be patient with myself, and recognize that I won’t “get over” what happened six months ago. That will always be with me. The pain will probably diminish over time, but it will always be there. Another scar.
I’ve found a lot of comfort in Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel. I understand the crying, the yearning. And of course, the way her husband is depicted is beautiful: “Am I not worth more to you than 10 sons?” It’s so cool to see an intimate picture of a man loving his wife unconditionally. And the Bible talks about God as One who cares for women who want to have children but can’t. (Psalm 113:9, Isaiah 54:1).
One night last week, I drove to a nearby lake at sunset.
Driftwood is awesome. Within death, decay, and being beaten by the elements, there is beauty.
Indiana is pretty.
Posted by Rachel on Jul 20, 2010 in
God I’ll admit it, I’m still struggling with feelings of antsy-ness, of wondering if my place is elsewhere. I wonder if what I’m doing in Marion matters in the grand scheme of things. I wonder if I’m just getting by, not really accomplishing anything. It’s silly, I kn0w, because I’m very much blessed with a great job, nice house, and awesome hubby.
But I want to KNOW that I’m doing something worthwhile, and that I’m not missing out on something I SHOULD be doing!
I was talking about it with a colleague at work today, and he mentioned that Jesus seemed to pay more attention to the day, to the moment, than to the future. When He taught His discples to pray, He said, “Give us this day our daily bread.” And in Matthew 6:34, He said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day as enough troubles of its own.”
It’s an interesting thought. It seems to show me that God is more concerned about us dedicating each day, each moment to Him than presenting Him a laundry list of awesome things we’ve accomplished or amazing places we’ve been. No big surprise there, I guess. “All our righteous acts are as filthy rags…” Allowing God to use our skills and abilities for His glory is one thing, expecting Him to be impressed with them is quite another.
But my earthly mindset likes to shift into check-out-what-I’ve-done-and-what-I-plan-to-do mode. I define success by those lists. By the things I’ve checked off, the gold stars I’ve gotten.
It gets exhausting, chasing after those gold stars.
Posted by Rachel on Jun 27, 2010 in
God,
Steve Last night, Steve and I sat around a pit fire with a group of friends in Upland. As twilight grew and the fire burned brighter, our conversation shifted to talking about love and dating. We laughed at each others’ funny relationship stories, wondered about love lost, and talked about finding The One.
It got me thinking about what being in love means. I only dated one other guy before Steve, and even though our relationship was short – only five or six months – and I was young (18), I’m pretty sure I thought I was in love. But I think that was the only words I had to explain it. Now, of course, I have the benefit of seven years of marriage that have given me a fuller picture of what love really means. (And I’m sure in 50 years I’ll look back on me now and be like, “Pshaw! Did I really think I knew what love was!?”) But at the time, I think I really thought I had fallen in love.
But here’s the thing: I think love is a choice. I choose to love Steve, and I choose to act lovingly towards him. And beyond marriage – I can choose to treat people with love and respect…or I can choose to be selfish.
So when we talk about “falling in love” – where does that fit in? That denotes that you couldn’t help it; it was a visceral reaction. Maybe it’s a way of explaining the mystery of love, maybe with just a shadow of the wonder of Christ’s love for us.
At church last week, my pastor talked about the church being the bride of Christ. Absolutely amazing imagery, and as he went through various common wedding traditions, explaining how they relate back to the picture of Christ as the Bridegroom, I was constantly going back and forth between tears of gratitude for Christ’s love, and cynical wonderings about why God chose the symbol of a patriarchal marriage ceremony. There was talk of the groom “leading” the bride, and how it was so important for her to publicly announce her purity…. that double standard always has bugged me. And okay – I realize all marriages are different – but Steve doesn’t “lead” me! We do things together, with mutual respect and love.
Whatever. Anyhoo, I do appreciate the fact that God – in all His majesty and glory – chose a very human and “earthy” way to relate to the Church. There are implications to this symbol that I do not understand fully. But it’s a wonderful picture of an approachable God who really and truly loves and wants to have a relationship with His Church. And that, my friend, is pretty darn cool.
Posted by Rachel on Apr 30, 2010 in
God The other day, it hit me that I’ve been working at WGM for almost six years – since August 2004. I freaked out a little. What have I accomplished in six years? What do I have to show for all those hours upon hours? What can I look back on and be proud of? What? What?! What???
I started listing the events of each year. How my job changed, significant projects I started or accomplished, major personal events, even major world events that impacted my life. I remembered that grant I wrote the proposal for that helped to fund a project in Ukraine, big web projects that I worked on, and The Call. I remembered the trips I’ve taken – in the last six years, I’ve traveled to Hungary, Bangladesh, England, Peru, Bolivia, and many new states. I mapped out the deaths of my grandparents and uncle, WGM’s layoffs and restructuring, and buying our first house. And those are only a few major events – after going through all this, I felt a lot better. Steve said, “Rach, you’re a little young to be having this kind of life crisis!”
I just want to make sure I’m living in a way that I can look back and be satisfied. And remembering is good. Because you remember God’s promises that you maybe have forgotten to hold as close. Seeing God’s faithfulness to Steve and me gives me courage to face the days ahead.
Because I don’t have to face it on my own. Two months ago, Steve and I suffered a very early miscarriage. Even when I was broken at the loss, I knew God was close. But it hurt so much, I’m just now really able to talk about it without crying. I think I’m finally at the point where I can look at what happened, and realize that all is not lost. As I’ve been thinking back over the years – in my little 28-year life crisis! – I can feel God gently reminding me that He does truly and entirely care for us.
Who am I kidding? The tears still fall. Like they fell as I was typing this….
But I know – and I remember – that God is good, He holds us in His hands, and He has promised to walk with us. And for now, I cling to that.
Tags: crisis, TCK
Posted by Rachel on Mar 4, 2010 in
God At chapel on Tuesday at work, we were challenged to take a look at what we take for granted. As I started to list them – my health, having a good job, food, shelter, even Steve – I was shocked to realize all the things I take for granted. Having grown in a country where I saw mind-numbing poverty every day, it’s awful to realize how self-indulgent I’ve become. So with this post, I want to focus on five things that I am thankful for this week.
1. My brother and sister in law. Joe and Karley were in a bad car accident last week, and Karley had surgery today to repair a broken wrist. Joe’s been in a post-concussion fog, which I told him, is NORMAL. But I’m just thankful that they are alive. Clearly, God is not finished with them yet.
2. My parents who love me. It’s been a rough couple weeks for my family, and even though it’s hard to get a hold of them, I so appreciate their wisdom and encouragement.
3. My Steve. I’m so proud of him. And I love him. And all that good stuff.
4. My warm, comfortable bed in a place you feel safe. At small group last night, we somehow got on the topic of how much we love sleep, and I said that one of the best feelings in the world is pulling the covers up, lying back on the pillow, and just – woosh - letting all the stress and thoughts go.
5. This last one is dumb, but I really like my new iPhone. I like having a fun new phone with lots and LOTS of cool features. And Steve got it for me, so that makes me doubly thankful for him. 
The point of this exercise during chapel was to then think about the conditions that our brothers and sisters in Haiti are living under. No shelter besides a sheet or a tarp if they’re lucky, no money, job or means of a regular supply of food, lost family members and friends, no means of communication – that’s reality to over a million people in Haiti tonight.
It’s so easy to forget to be thankful. That’s not to say that we should feel guilty because of the gifts God has given us, but it’s worth it to have a smack across the conscience to remember how blessed we are.
What do you take for granted?